friends are made by circumstance

6/7/2025

the circumstance

I was an exchange student in Dresden, Germany when I was 16/17

There were about 8 other exchange students from the same program - Rotary Youth Exchange - also in Dresden at the same time

They came from Switzerland, Colombia, Argentina, Canada, Brazil, India, Taiwan, and Australia

We didn't really get to choose the countries or cities we got sent to, Rotary kinda just does their internal matching to different countries' Rotary clubs and send you there.

Leaving home for one year when you're 16 is pretty nuts. You're leaving the bubble of reality you've known to slip into another bubble of reality for about 11ish months. You're going somewhere where you know 0 people, you're spending most of your daily cognitive energy to learn their language, and you're assimilating yourself into the way of life of a random family.

This can be a fairly isolating experience that every exchange student has to learn to deal with - since there's this insane amount of stimulus and emotions you have to deal with as you adjust to this new reality. The isolation is diluted though if you're lucky and get placed in a city with 8 other people all going through the exact same thing at the same time.

It is this circumstance that makes groups of exchange students grow so close together like we did in Dresden in 2016-2017.

the conversation

I may have to ask Dora if she remembers when exactly this conversation took place, but I'd place it at maybe happening in January 2017 - so like 6ish months into our exchange - so about halfway.

Dora and I were at a bar in Dresden reflecting on how crazy it was that us group of exchange students had grown so close. In that particular moment I remember it felt like I had found my group of friends for life, like the trend of spending almost every day together those 6 months would continue on endlessly.

I found it crazy that I could feel this way about a group of people that I did not choose and by random chance we happened to be placed in the same city. My first line of thinking was: "What are the odds that we group of people - of all potential exchange students who are part of Rotary this year - got to be in the same city - what a coincidence that we that have this chemistry got to be together"

Basically like if Rotary had unboxed and shuffled a puzzle set in front of them and chose the 8 puzzle pieces that happened to fit together nicely and put them in the same city

How lucky am I that Rotary brought these people into my existence

That thought lasted five seconds until I realized us puzzle pieces were not special

Our shared once in a lifetime experience of exchange is what brought us together

This is totally agnostic of the actual particular individuals that are participating in it

I'm convinced that unless someone has a totally orthogonal personality vector to the rest of the group, you could place most 8 combinations of people in the world in that circumstance and they would come out the other side having grown close together like we did

So what about the other Rotary kids and the groups of them that didn't get brought into my existence - and will never exist for me

I felt like I could peek into all the parallel universes in that moment and see the superposition of the previous 6 months of my life with them and see the wave function collapse into my group

In that moment I then realized how close I felt to those other

• 10000 kids that happened to be born around the same time as me and chose to go on Rotary Youth Exchange

because all that was separating me and them from being as close as family was this random chance of us being placed in the same city

Then I felt close to those other

• N many kids who were born around the same time as me but didn't choose to go on Rotary Youth Exchange

because all that was separating me and them from being as close as family was this random chance of having the right variables in their life to lead them to do Rotary Youth Exchange and us being placed in the same city

Then I felt close to those other

• M many kids who weren't born around the same time as me

because all that was separating me and them from being as close as family was this random chance of being born around the same time and having the right variables in their life to lead them to do Rotary Youth Exchange and us being placed in the same city

The hippie peace and love conclusion here is

We're in a superposition of being best friends with everyone - separated by circumstance